A mirrorball-faced gimp and two breakdancing mimes

Yes, it's Eurovision time again. "I don't know where some of those shots were taken, but that's not the Moscow I'm staying in," said Graham Norton over the opening sequence - damn right, I've seen Moscow, it's a concrete hell. Personally I'm amazed they found a bit of Moscow with trees in it for their half-time vox pops. Overall we think Norton measured up well as a replacement for Terry Wogan. That Norton was off the booze owing to his recent injury may have helped - Norton dry has just about the familiar tone of grumpiness we used to get with Wogan drunk, but with an extra dash of bitchiness thrown in.

An even more subdued contest this year - where were all the comedy entries? (Filtered out in the semi-finals, one assumes.) And why so much monochrome? We were starting to wonder if the TV was working properly (and then the Portuguese entry appeared...). Also disappointing that the second half should be so dominated by songs sung in English - it's a lot more noticeable when they all come along at once like that.

On the plus side, the voting was a lot more balanced this year - you mean they actually got panels of industry experts to judge the entries on their musical merit? The very idea! On the other plus side, not a lot of echoing of last year's winner. It's usual to see more than one knock-off of the previous year's most successful act, so I was bracing myself for several Peter Andre lookalikes in white jackets, but in the end we only got one, which was a mercy.

And now, read on...

Lithuania. Sung half in English. Not much to say about this one - decidedly hum ho. Is he really playing that piano? (The rules may say the lead vocal has to be performed live, but do they say anything about instruments?) "Aaaaaaaahhhhhh - my hand's on fire!" seem to have been the final lyrics.

Israel. Sung half in English. Barring a couple of minor scrapes on the high notes, pretty damn good. Scores for some nice harmonies, also scores bonus points for worthiness. I quite like the olive oil tin drums too. The only obvious downside is that presentation is close to zero. I mean, it's all well and good not having explosions, giant props and so on, but one can go too far the other way. The audience aren't very likely to remember this one when the voting starts.

France. What, no comedy entry? No pissing about at all? From the French?! Truly, Eurovision died tonight! A very ordinary ballad, and the surprise Tales of the Unexpected ending can't rescue it from its mire of dullness.

Sweden. Sung half in English, half in... French? Say, aren't these extruded, reconstituted Beatles lyrics? By and large I quite like what Graham Norton calls "popera", although it does go a bit Fifth Element towards the end (well, if you've seen the film, you'll know what I mean). But what the hell is going on with those masks?

Croatia. Surpriiiiise! Now where was he hiding her? Ew, put her back! Put her back!! At least he can sing. This song could've been a contender if it weren't for the female vocalist.

Portugal. Wouch, my eyes! I think we see who's stolen all the colour from the previous five entries. The overall effect is something like a live action Magic Roundabout. Good selection of instruments on show, that's always a plus. There's a very familiar song hiding underneath this one - but what? If I were to listen repeatedly to this for a week, I expect it'd come to me, but there are some questions that just aren't worth answering.

Iceland. Sung in English. Look out - giant dolphin! It's amazing to think that we've got through six whole entries without a single bad key change. Alas, no sooner did I think that... Look out - nuclear attack! A very bland song, and the background material seems to have been lifted straight out of a five-year-old girl's head (well, apart from the apparent nuclear blast at the end). I'm sure it's exactly what Europe's looking for, god help it.

Greece. Sung in English. And here he is, the only act trying to imitate last year's winning Russian entry. So what we have here are Chicane offcuts being performed by Petros Andropoulos while he suffers some sort of convulsions on a conveyor belt. Red Alert! Red Alert! Key change incoming! Nice of them to signal that one in advance for us. Apparently the bookies rated this one highly. Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha.

Armenia. Sung half in English. Hey, ladies, why not just pick a note and stick to it? Oh, now you're just shouting. "Sister - here we go!" Ugh. Foul indeed. Throw in a key change and you've got the complete misshapen package.

Russia. Hey, it's Servalan! Now what I want to know is, how on Earth does she manage to sing out of tune with herself? All things considered, this is an extremely wretched item. It's pretty clear Moscow doesn't want the cost of having to host Eurovision again next year.

Azerbaijan. Sung in English. Now, what we seem to have here is Napoleon in the Wild West cat house. It's by no means a bad number. The balalaika middle eight is a very nice touch. Bonus points for having no nasty key change. Should do well.

Bosnia & Herzegovina. And here's another act in bloody Napoleonic jackets. Is there some sort of vogue in Europe at the moment for Napoleonic jackets? And if so, dammit, why wasn't I told? (Memo to self...) Definite militaristic undertones to this one - must check the news tomorrow to see if there's been a coup... This pretty much forms a matching pair with the previous entry. Think I might give this one the edge for singing in their own language.

Moldova. An interesting choice of brass sounds to open with - it sounds like a folk version of "Casino Royale"! Ick, morris dancing. And what's the guy at the back doing with that mop? The rap middle eight was, putting it charitably, a bad choice.

Malta. Sung in English. The synth pan pipes are a bit 1990s. Hmm, took a bit of panning for the camera to get her in shot. This is a very static performance - ha, she had to move the microphone stand to make it look like something was happening on stage! A very ordinary song, and with a key change too. Not a contender.

Estonia. Nice use of strings. You get bonus points for cellos. Hey, look, she plays the violin too! And extra points for no key change. Definitely a goer.

Denmark. Sung in English. What can I add to Graham Norton's own comments about this one? Who's that playing the keyboard? It looks like Tom Jones dressed as a tramp. And astonishingly, sixteen acts in we get the first gratuitous pyrotechnics of the evening! (Well, apart from the Lithuanian guy's flaming hand.) Now that deserves extra special demerits.

Germany. Sung in English. After last year's horrific wrong turn, they've gone back to the swing band sound. More pyrotechnics - once they've popped, they won't stop. Whose idea were the Bacofoil trousers? Hmm, more than a little evidence of robbing from "Minnie the Moocher" here.

Turkey. Sung (or rather, shouted) in English. Couldn't they have found a singer who could, well, sing? Or a fill-in dancer in the same costume as the others (or at least of the same gender)? Bondage acrobat - attack!

Albania. Sung in English. Now here's a thing. We have a seventeen-year-old vocalist in a tiny pink baby-doll outfit, and she's by far the least interesting thing on the stage. Look at the freaky backing dancers! A green mirrorball-faced gimp and two breakdancing mimes! Get rid of the singer, let's just have three minutes of these guys! Deserves strong bonus points for sheer visual freakiness, but sadly we'll have to dock those back off again for that very nasty key change.

Norway. Sung in English. A disturbing mixture of Riverdance and "Save All Your Kisses For Me", this is just nasty. Someone, get the Square Jaw Kid and his stick-on eyebrows out of there. Bring the gimp and the mimes back on, why not. Apparently this one's the bookies' favourite (and, as with last year's contest, they were proved right - there's no justice).

Ukraine. Sung in English. You know you're watching Eurovision when you've just seen three semi-naked Roman centurions pelvic-thrusting their way across the stage. Eye bleach, please. The singing's very bad, but she gets points for playing her own drums and for sticking to the original key.

Romania. Sung in English. Apart from the women morris dancing, utterly unremarkable. Doomed to sink without trace.

United Kingdom. Nng, R&B singing. I hate R&B singing. Ooh, an interesting time signature. Damn, dramatic key change. And the violinists were doing such a good job of holding it together. Well, we've put 'em on the line with this one - a reality TV show, a Continent-wide promotional campaign, and the gnome-like one himself playing the piano on stage. But let's be honest - we don't really want to win the contest. We don't really want that cost in the present economic climate, not when we've already foolishly taken on the 2012 Olympics. We just want to do moderately well. I'm confident that we can manage that - this is clearly better than a lot of recent UK Eurovision entries, and it's not up against an awful lot of competition tonight.

Finland. Sung in English. Whatever happened to Vanilla Ice? Well, I think if we just look down this alleyway... Seriously, whose idea was it to dress the set with oil drum braziers? Pyros to the max! As if the fire jugglers and the oil drums weren't enough.

Spain. Sung half in English. Send in the Barry Manilow Tumblers! Ooh, a little stage magic as well. This act's got it all. Sadly including gratuitous pyros and a very shrill final note.

So, here's my personal top five this year. Let's see if I can get any of them right: Estonia, Israel, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Portugal, and why not, the UK. Actual top five: Norway (bah!), Iceland (bah!), Azerbaijan (fair enough), Turkey (bah!), and... the UK! Good news for the UK there. Still, the best act of the evening may well have been the crew of the International Space Station declaring the voting lines open.

The Bride Stripped Bare By Harry Potter

Well, there went Eurovision again. As ever, the presenters were bad, although (with the possible exception of the Serbian Bradley Walsh in the green room) not as bad as last year's. As ever, the previous year's winner informed the style of several of this year's contenders, but consider what that means: 2006, Lordi win, 2007, lots of attempted goth rock knock-offs; 2007, a bland ballad wins, 2008, lots of bland ballads. As if Eurovision weren't full enough of them already. Overall this year's contest was but a pale shadow of last year's.

So the show opened with Serbia's Harry Potter impersonator reprising her winning song from last year, but this time with the added twist that she kept removing layers of someone else's clothing while she sang it. Meanwhile a phalanx of stripping brides danced behind her in what sadly turned out to be one of the most avant garde performances of the evening. All this on a stage that looked strangely like a diagram of the human bladder. (Or the womb, but no, I think perhaps the bladder is a more appropriate organ.) On with the show. As with last year's show, I took field notes and present them here for your perusal.

Romania. The male singer seeks out the camera with the predatory gaze of a snake preparing to strike. The female singer's voice is... hard to ignore. They're both pretty flat. The key change scores +2 damage.

United Kingdom. What's happened here? It's a good entry! We've fielded a good Eurovision entry! But... but how?! Looks like the bassist is on happy pills. Then again he could just be fired with euphoria at the startling fact that we've fielded a good entry! What a shocker.

Albania. A relatively subdued number. Or perhaps "restrained" is the word I'm looking for. No key change, no pyrotechnics, no excessive cleavage - in fact, the only gratuitous element is the wind effect in the singer's hair. (But where are the hidden fans?)

Germany. Sung (I use the word advisedly) in English. Wouch. (Because sometimes, neither "wow" nor "ouch" are quite strong enough for the job.) Four unconvincing trannies, and not a single one of them could stay in tune with any of the others or the music. We're reasonably sure one of them was actually a set of bagpipes in a wig. At the end someone kindly set off ground flares in an effort to hide them from view, but too late, too late. There could have been key changes throughout this one and we'd never even know.

Armenia. Half sung in English, in the traditional one-verse-on-one-verse-off format. A graduate from the Shouty School of Singing and three convulsives, the poor unfortunates being put to work as her dancers. She's bouncy but she's off-key. Is there a child standing off-stage playing the recorder?

Bosnia & Herzegovina. What is this, brides again? Is there some unspoken theme this year? A scary schoolboy erupts from the laundry basket while Looby Loo hangs the clothes out. This number scores highly in terms of Eurovision style, but not so well as a song. Terribly, in retrospect this was the weirdest entry of the evening. Come back, last year's Ukrainian entry, all is forgiven.

Israel. Half sung in English. The entry from the only Middle Eastern country in Europe (?!) is good, very good. The guy can actually sing. It's a bit boy-band-ish, mind you, and it doesn't look as though anybody's choreographed the backing team at all. Still, a strong contender.

Finland. Ah, no prisoners from the nation that speaks Spinal Tap's language. Battle drums, attack! Gratuitous pyrotechnics throughout, but we won't hold it against this entry.

Croatia. "75 Cents"?! Is he singing (or meant to be) while the gangster sings, or is he just trying to start a conversation with the flamenco dancer? I think he's had too much to drink, either way. English translation (a rough guess): "You bloody kids, turn that noise down!" I'm as confused as 75 Cents. Like the musical wine bottles, though - good effort.

Poland. Sung in English. Is this what happens when you splice Jordan with Bonnie Tyler? Quite a lot of gratuitous cleavage on display here, but it looks like it's trying to spare our blushes by heading south of the camera. Average pop song.

Iceland. Sung in English. The unexpected shift from pop into rave seems to have caused serious cameraman failure. And lighting failure towards the end. Another act that skipped the technical rehearsal, perhaps? This duet between Vanessa Feltz and Gary Barlow has failed to capture my heart.

Turkey. Appears to be Mr Morden from Babylon 5, backed by a group that sounds like Supergrass. It's good! Of course, he does have the power of the Shadows behind him, so I'd expect him to go far this evening. I just wish he'd stop staring at me like that.

Portugal. Those hidden fans are back again. Although actually, with the opera singer's dress billowing like that... Too much chorizo? Considering the operatic overtones, this song comes across as somewhat dull. The extreme key change doesn't help.

Latvia. Sung in English. Come on guys, the Pirates craze was two years ago. I can't help feeling The Mighty Boosh have secretly fielded this entry - "Future sailors, we're future sailors..." Look at those cheap hire costumes - we've got that exact same plastic cutlass! On the face of it this ought to score highly for Eurovision style, but as it's sung in English and has an ill-advised key change and features pyrotechnics and cleavage, we must mark it down, down to Davy Jones' locker.

Sweden. Sung in English, or a close approximation. Now there's a woman who's had too much plastic surgery. Note the robbery of classic pop lyrics ("Staying alive" et al) - tsk. Deserves a point for the arty monochrome opening, but we must dock that point straight off again for the key change.

Denmark. Sung in English. What's with the cheeky chirpy Cockney costume? Note again the robbery of classic pop lyrics ("Celebrate good times, come on"). Average.

Georgia. Sung in English. Wins the award for outstanding costume change of the evening. "Now that's magic!"

Ukraine. Sung in English. What's with the giant mirror wall? Will Muppets appear over the top halfway through the song? (Well, in a manner of speaking...) Tolerable pop, but alas, no vestige of the weirdness of last year's entry.

France. Sung mostly in English. Now, last year I commented on this issue of English lyrics in French songs, but this year it actually got mentioned in the news. I'm glad the French let this one through, though. Those BeeGee beards, even on the woman... the golf cart... the helium... that's not Euro-weirdness, they're trying! They're being wilfully odd! But even without the oddness, it's still quite a good entry.

Azerbaijan. Sung in English. Pure hilarity. If you remember one image from this year's contest, try not to let it be the bloke wearing angel wings singing falsetto. The devil character's costume change might, we suspect, have looked quite nifty if the cameraman hadn't ruined it by nipping round the back and making it look clumsy.

Greece. Sung in English. Bland pop from some young woman in her nightie. What's with the Birdie Song dance in the middle? And the set dressing is rubbish.

Spain. Half sung in English. Lovely start with the child's musical toy. Thereafter Rapping Rolf Harris' act goes downhill. There's one really rubbish dancer - surely that must be deliberate? Surely they must have choreographed her to be rubbish? Or is it all down to pre-show hospitality?

Serbia. Once again, a bland ballad. Who else heard the percussion from Chariots of Fire? This isn't too bad, apart from one or two bum notes.

Russia. Sung in English. Oh my, it's the Russian Peter Andre (or Pyotr Andrei, as we shall henceforth call him). Looks like the Moscow Mafia have done his kneecaps - oh no, there, up he gets. Apparently belief is symbolised by a bloke on roller skates. This one's the bookie's favourite and Terry Wogan's winning tip, but come on, surely they won't go for this?

Norway. Sung in English. At last, this year's "Ooh" song (there had to be one). Rather ordinary, to put it mildly. Still, they can at least sing - well, until the last note (oof).


A less appetising selection than last year's, with noticeably fewer weird/joke entries (shame!). Once again, only a third of the non-English entrants fielded English-free songs (shame!). My personal top five: Turkey, Finland, France, Israel, and oh, what the hell, the UK! Actual top five: Russia (bah!), Ukraine, Greece, Armenia, Norway. Not one song that I'd consider better than average. No surprise there - we've established before that I can't predict Eurovision winners. But the real shocker was the UK finishing last. (At least it wasn't nul points...) Equal last with the German entry - that's just insulting. Surely, even allowing for the institutional political voting, we should have scored more highly than that?

I bet you they won't play this song on the radio

Once again the Eurovision Song Contest has come and gone, and left bewilderment in its wake. With The Lovely Jo off with university friends camping in Wales, of all things, I had no alternative but to watch it. That's my excuse, anyway. Much more cheese but far fewer fatalities than its gangsta rap equivalent, the Eurovizzle Song Shenizzle. (Incidentally, that's pronounced "chenille" - this is the reason why so many interior designers are killed in drive-by shootings. It's all a terrible misunderstanding.)

I took field notes of the specimens on display, so that the final result wouldn't come as a complete surprise. Naturally it still did. First, let it pass that the presenters were bad. The presenters are always bad. The pink fairy third presenter was very, very, very, extremely, horrifically bad, but let that pass too. Soon your mind will scab over the mental wounds, as mine is already beginning to do. Highly amusing film inserts - full marks to Finland for these. My, there are quite a few goths in Finland, aren't there?

Final thing to say at the outset: after last year's leftfield win by a horror-themed hard rock band - Eurovision's all-time high point, in my opinion - it was to be expected that there'd be a few attempts to tap into that winning vibe this year. (Even the interval act seemed determined to cash in, presenting the customary acrobats and so on but with a very hard-rocking trio of long-haired, head-banging cellists and a phalanx of "alternative culture" fire jugglers. Made the Cirque du Soleil look like the Cirque d'Alan Bennett, I can tell you.) Although the imitators wouldn't go so far as to have Satan on guitar and the Mummy on keyboards, settling instead for a generic gothy-ish-esque female lead and a slightly heavier bass line. Anyway, here were my thoughts on the contest as it unfolded:

Bosnia-Herzegovina. Unless I've lost my touch at second-guessing Eastern European languages based on Russian (the overlap must be close to 90%, surely), the song's title translates as "River Without a Name". The choreography sees four water-nymphs swaying a bit while the singer duets with a lutenist from the French Foreign Legion. A bit limp, but inoffensive.

Spain. Oh, it's Los Bambinos Backstreet. Hack shit. Is there a key change? Of course there is. Can the band sing in the higher key? Of course they can't.

Belarus. Sung in English. It's some kind of musical arrangement of a David Copperfield show. Somewhat bizarre. The singer's voice is... regrettable.

Ireland. Oh begorrah, we're just lovable simple cheery rustic Oirish folk, so we are, to be sure. Rather nasal voice on the singer. Poor effort.

Finland. Sung in English. Looks like Elvira, albeit more tastefully dressed. This'll be an attempt to ride the coattails of last year's winner, then. Although it is actually a pretty good alternative pop/rock number.

FYR Macedonia. Points for singing predominantly in their own language. Sadly all I could make out was a chorus of "Niner niner niner, niner niner niner". Passable.

Slovenia. See Finland. Elvira again, but with an interesting new operatic angle. I have to admit I like it. Damn, so far the only ones I like are the half-hearted female goth acts. Not sure what/how/if this reflects on me at all.

Hungary. Sung in English. Hey, a blues song! Points for this novelty. More points for not using any explosives on stage. Singer's a bit too shouty though. And what the hell is the Bus Stop sign all about?

Lithuania. Sung in English. Again, no resorting to explosives, so points here. I like it, and I like it well. Tiny female singer/guitarist in her shiny silvery jacket. Bongos and many guitars - kind of a Latin lounge flavour. Strange to see the backing band only in silhouette, until you consider that they're actually even tinier than the singer and have to be positioned way backstage, right in front of a lightbulb, just so that the audience can see them.

Greece. Sung in English. Did I hear the word "Lord-a-mercy" in the chorus? A bad Ricky Martin clone. The dancers seem to be doing some strange mix of limbo dancing and sumo stomping. Burns my ears and my eyes.

Georgia. Possibly sung in English, although it's a bit hard to tell at times. Appears to be a Georgian version of Charlotte Church with an orange permatan, backed by techno Cossacks. The song's... Bjorkish. Very Bjorkish. Not entirely horrendous.

Sweden. Sung in English. What the hell's this? Glam rock? With psychedelic back projection? Get with the picture, daddio! The lead looks like Marc Bolan, and the song sounds like everything Marc Bolan ever sang.

France. Sung in Franglais. Jolly bon, vieux chap. Is that Richard O'Brien on backing vocals? Stone me, is that Anthony Worral-Thompson on drums?! Not good in any technical sense, and yet I strangely like it...

Latvia. Sung in... Italian? Oh look, they've hired Il Divo to represent them, or so it would appear. Top hats and dress shirts all round. Verdict: hum-ho.

Russia. Sung in English. What's this, Puritan sorority rock chicks? My immediate thought: The Worst Witch meets Britney Spears. And indeed, the song sounds uncannily like "Oops I Did It Again".

Germany. Mmm, jaaaaazz club. Nnnnnice. Swing with a trumpet and a sax and everything. Yes, this is what Eurovision has been waiting for! Sounds fantastic. My surefire tip for the laurels.

Serbia. Blimey, Harry Potter's let himself go a bit. Bland in the extreme.

Ukraine. Sung in some sort of pan-European Babel. What. The feck. Was that? Good ol' Terry Wogan got straight in there with the references to Christopher Biggins, but let me just add that if you dressed Elton John as a silver Christmas tree and made him perform something by the Pet Shop Boys, it might not look unlike this. Truly, the biggest mindfeck of the evening. Dada points: over there. Musical points: nul. Unless Europe goes for the novelty vote again.

UK. Is it Steps, the Vengaboys or the opening routine from The High Life? The one who looks particularly like Alan Cumming seems to be delivering his cheap doubles entendres with unnecessary venom. He's scaring me. He really looks angry.

Romania. Sung in everyone else's language but their own. Bloody hell, there's Richard O'Brien again. A hideous patchwork mess of a song. A shambling Frankenstein's pop monster.

Bulgaria. Comes on like Dead Can Dance. Develops into something more like "Open Up" by Leftfield. And then it's percussion a-go-go. Not too shabby at all - I'd expect to see it place in the top ten, but possibly not the top five.

Turkey. Sung in English. Is that Garry Bushell? Is he singing "I'm telling you now"? It's... curiously acceptable.

Armenia. Sung in English. Enrique Iglesias sings on the set of Waiting For Godot. Woops, you've smeared chocolate on your shirt there, mate. Hard to take seriously.

Moldova. Sung in English. A violin! Wahey! Another act making a half-hearted effort to tap the gothy/rocky/Lordi vibe, although it starts to look a bit bad when the singer's black-and-white dreadlocks turn out to be a wig. Stone me, though, she can actually sing. And well.

Interesting to note that only seven of the acts from non-Anglophone countries sang predominantly in their own language. I'm a bit surprised the French act got their Franglais past the censors, to be honest - the Academie Francaise used to be a bit draconian about this sort of thing. But anyway.

My predicted top five: Germany, Lithuania, Slovenia, Finland, Moldova. The actual top five: Serbia, Ukraine, Russia, Turkey, Bulgaria. How did Germany not even appear in the top five, with such clear talent? How did they end up 19th?! How did the vote go to Serbia's bland Harry Potter? It does seem as though the accession of more Baltic states to the EU, coupled with the familiar old Eurovision block voting, is having some effect here, but even so. Germany, 19th? Indeed, not one of my predictions appeared in the top five, and of the actual five I only cared for 4th and 5th place. Dammit, I remind myself that the Brotherhood Of Man's "Save Your Kisses For Me" won this contest once, and I know that the moral victory is mine...


Edit: Astonishing follow-up news. Malta reveal that their mysterious douze points for the UK (well, I did wonder) was a protest vote. Doesn't that just make it worse, knowing that our entry's biggest supporter didn't mean it? (Still leaves us ahead of Ireland, who gave us more points than they received from the rest of Europe, but it does mean that in principle the camp Frenchmen beat our camp airline stewards.) Meanwhile, according to Paul Gambaccini, everyone else protests by not voting for the UK. I'm just not convinced about this - the UK's entries for the last few years have been bad enough to fail on their own merits, without blaming it all on politics.